Healing In Real Time

Sometimes a crack starts off small and spreads slowly. Other times it spreads the moment the crack begins. I feel like I have been chipped at all over my body. That its spread out enough that my cracks don’t overlap yet. As life goes on, I feel like my cracks are growing faster and faster. I try to repair the chips but adding a lawyer over something is a temporary fix. I have not taken the time to look at each chip and figure out the main cause. Who has time to fix every chip they see. These usually get addressed after the crack has become so big it’s no longer safe. I don’t feel safe anymore. I am trying to release the clutter that has been built up around me, reach out, and rebuild. But something always gets in the way of accomplishing these goals. I always get in the way. The thoughts that won’t stop, the passive comments I can’t get past, and the ability to fully change. I get so close but the realization of myself getting better scares the shit out of me. Old habits are so easy to keep around. Old patterns fall into place much easier than new ones. My daily life is filled with so much chaos it makes it easy to put myself last. I am humpty dumpty and I fell off the wall. I just don’t have housemen to put me back together again. I have a mentally ill brain, overwhelm and a little self-will to cling too. Wish me luck

****Self Harm ******

I used to be a cutter and that was over 20 years ago. I haven’t had thoughts of self harm since then. Suicidal ideation to me is completely separate and different. Lately my compulsion has been so intense and I have no idea how to feel the release that I’m looking for. Instead of cutting, I tried burning and the immediate pierce on the skin and the intensity of the pain that runs through my body feels like a high. What comes next is the lingering pain keeping my mind drawn back continually to the burn. It’s the only way that I can get my compulsion and craving and mind to Stop. I tried the rubber band and I found the tightest hair tie. I could snap it and feel a sting, but there wasn’t anything that lingered. My mind easily gets back into loops that I realized that I need the pain to stay longer. I need the pain to be present longer in order to feel relief. I also need to see a result. I need to be able to look and see at where the release is coming from. I’ve had people share that for them to get a release. They would talk so much shit so that they would get punched in the face and feeling the impact and seeing the blood was a release for them. I feel that extended time in a moment is what allows the thoughts to go away. But I don’t wanna keep burning, but now that my brain has seen this and done this it’s what I desire to keep doing. Just like a drug or a drink I feel like I’m wired in a way that won’t just let me process something and then have a pleasure. I don’t deserve peace without pain. I am an addict, I feel like it’s always one thing or another.

How do you begin to forgive yourself. Forgiveness was always something I gave other people but never myself. How do I even begin to forgive me. Why is forgiveness so hard for me to accept. Well shit it’s even hard for me to accept when other people show me forgiveness. I can forgive anyone but me. I don’t remember much about my life. I remember more trauma than moments of pleasure or happiness. I know that in order to release what has built up I need to feel a pain so intense it takes me out of the moment I’m in. I need to be forced to let it go. How do I learn to let it go through compassion and understanding. How do I give to myself what I so easily give to others. I have began to give myself grace. Well I say it out loud but I’m not sure I believe it. I’m also not a perfectionist well I don’t act like one. But why don’t I deserve to truly forgive myself when I make a mistake, or say the wrong thing, or speak negatively to myself. Why have I turned punishment into pleasure.

Is making love a deep connection with another soul that you have opened a part of you that can only be released through intimacy. Deep passionate, loving, caring, kind, understanding, connection. Where the trust is felt throughout that it leaves no questions in your mind. How do I develop a deep love and connection for myself. One that allows me to forgive myself show understanding and care. In order to be loved you must love your true self. I have not felt her since birth. She is now reborn and learning all over. How to hold myself, love my self, believe in myself to forgive myself. Doing what you do for others to yourself has been made to feel greedy or selfish. Giving to others is allowing others to make a judgment on how they view you based on what you give them. But how do you view yourself if you’re not offering that same compassion to you. wheat seems selfish to me is the bare minimum others give themselves. If god or the universe or Mother Nature or life can forgive then I can forgive myself too. I will begin one action at a time. I will create new patterns and habits. It’s not selfishness it’s kindness towards myself forgiveness for me!

I start to spiral and everything storms into my head. It’s like when a tornado moves along its path picking up new things as it moves. My thoughts begin to consume me, I can’t stay on task, I loose my thought while having it. I can’t complete a sentence. It all piles up to the point I feel like I’m going to explode. I need a release I need to peak!! The only way to move on from this state I am in is to relieve myself to feel my body go high and then slowly come down releasing what has consumed me! I try the 5 senses, I reach out to a friend, I go to a meeting, I play with a fidget. But on the inside it’s eating away at me, I am still completely consumed. The numbness has turned into panic and I feel trapped. It’s getting harder to quiet it. Distractions and creativity is not working. I need pain I need to feel something. The thoughts are only taking up space and I can’t make room. Self-pleasure, random sex, impulsive spending, binge eating, grounding, meditating, trash tv, walking, FUCK nothing is working it’s not the peak my body needs to let go. When I was younger I would cut, but today I want to use, I want to take a puff and watch the worry drift away. I want to feel the release the aah moment. It’s the only thing that can switch my mindset. I am impulsive and compulsive. I can’t use cause I’m giving a ride to someone who I can’t put at risk of a relapse, but I can still get a release in the only way I think is possible at this very moment. There are no other options I have tried everything I’m supposed to do that I know how to do. The flame is bright and hot and heats up the metal around it. The pressure starts as a sting but the heat increases and the sting becomes stronger. As I gasp and hold my breath I begin to peak, I feel the pressure and the pain increasing and then slowly decline. It’s addicting so I want to do it again. This time over the same spot, the first time it was out of sight so this time I want to see it. I want to see how much pain I can feel before I allow the release. I have control now and the pain is taking me back to the reality I crave to reach without self harm. The control I can only regain in a high never in a low. I have found silence, I have released what was trapped inside me. It’s still there and it can always come back, but for the moment I can breathe again I can be present. The pain is a reminder of the release and feels deserved it feels awful and good at the same time. Today it worked I stayed sober and I got myself out of the tornado. It’s not healthy nor is it the right way. It’s a path I have not taken for years that I found again today.

As I write this I have about 9 people around me at the pool. Multiple conversations are happing and the kids are swimming. I really don’t like socializing these days. I realize that when people talk especially neighbors it’s only polite to respond. I just had a full conversation and I have no idea what it was about. When I’m in a numb state I find myself arriving at locations unable to remember the drive I just made. Having conversations that I put zero thought in, but the person on the receiving end seems to be satisfied with how it went. Completing a morning routine, making a transition with my children, making a response I later claim I didn’t when it gets brought back up again. I worked in the same field for 25 years. I ran on auto pilot especially when the routine rarely changed. I think auto pilot is a trauma response. Being able to check out at any moment. Staring blankly not blinking looking like I’m in deep thought. But I’m not sure I could tell you where I go. It’s like my programming stops to reload. My body must need a break from itself. I used to worry when I would not have an idea how I just arrived somewhere. Now my auto pilot feels normal, maybe too normal. I don’t have a lot of memory except my trauma I remember it all. Maybe my auto pilot is my only escape from living in my trauma state of mind 24/7.

You grabbed my hand and your soft skin pressed against mine. I see your lip quiver, so I know you are nervous, but the good kind. I have missed you. Finding someone who catches you off guard and completes you felt nearly impossible. When we first met it truly never crossed my mind that you were who I was waiting for. This relationship took time, it happened naturally. The understanding and curiosity grew on its own. The outside attraction was not a part of how the love started for me. It is now a part of what I dream about because looking at you never got old. I saw you from the inside out. I know that when you had big emotions it never felt big to me. It never interfered with my energy. I was so comfortable around you when we had not even started to truly get to know each other. Our interactions were short, I listened to your stories, your struggles, your wishes and desirers. All while being a bystander. Your self worth had highs and lows. You sought out what you thought you needed to stay comfortable. I desired to hear the deep stories that were being shared with another, but I waited unknowing that timing was a real thing. Our paths kept crossing spending more and more time together. You fit right in with my family, nothing felt pressured or fast. It felt complete. One night we locked eyes, and something drew me in. Maybe you had been planning this but for me I was drawn to you in a way I never felt. The moment our lips touched everything around me was gone. Our energy became one, my body began to open up in ways I only wished a man could have brought me to. I didn’t want to stop, but I wanted to look at you. As we separated our faces I could feel your eyes looking into my soul, your fluttering breath I could feel on my lips. I ran my fingers around the back of your head and pulled you in, I never wanted it to end. Every time we saw each other the intensity grew. You filled my head daily and my whole self waited on you. Life with you became something that I felt instantly. The accommodations we both would make to create comfort for the other. The adventures we would have, the dirt in our nails as we produced food that our family would eat. The small reminders we would send letting the other person know we were there. Life with you was easy to see. The last time I saw you I thought we had made a decision that was right for us both. But the timing was wrong, the connection I had felt was not ready to begin. Going on without you makes me feel incomplete. Not in a I need you to feel whole, but when I’m with you the pieces I have dropped you are holding them with love until I can put them back together.

So it may have been the last time I get to see you, but know that my soul felt you, and will miss you forever. Time keeps moving forward, and that’s the only direction we can go. Maybe someday we will find eachother when timing is not a factor. Always and Forever

Waking up everyday is a blessing, I believe that. But not everyone wakes up the same. For the last 25 years every month about 10-13 days before my cycle I wake up differently. Sometimes I feel it right away, other times I snap over the smallest thing, or I’m unable to get out of bed, or somehow un knowing to me I fell into a black hole. The thoughts that seep in are out of my control. The visuals become so realistic they feel like I’m there walking myself through them. “If I go to the garage, grab a think rope that can hold my weight, use the center beam that would work. I can make it so my mom will find me not my children” “If I slit my wrists then I can feel my life slip away slowly” “ If you want to see what it really looks like to kill yours self I can show you as I look deeply into my sons eyes who is shedding tears.”

I don’t want to die, I don’t want to be the person In charge of choosing when that happens. I don’t want to leave my children in a way that they may never be able to understand. But my depression does, my unexplained thoughts that try to convince me every month to just cave this time never give up. If I didn’t become a mother I would not be here today. If I didn’t finally ask for help the day I did in January 2025 I would not be here. I have a purpose that I still need to live out, figure out and be. Sometimes people in my life try to comfort me, they are usually paid professionals, not the loved ones you wish noticed you, but I’m the one trapped inside my own head unable to find the words that would truly allow them to understand. My family will never get it, but they continue to wait for me to be “fixed” instead of showing up in any way that I need. Ideation is lonely, tiring, draining, and shows up without permission every month.

I deserve to be punished, I enjoy pain, I feel so many things at once I am numb, I can’t process an emotion but I still take on others emotions to distract me from mine. I play loops in my mind of the trauma I have experienced. My brain refuses to remember the times that matter! I’m so tired of living in my trauma, and every month being reminded that I am not in control. I’m tired and overwhelmed and battling everyday just to become what I want more than anything in this world. I just want to be me! The me I have never believed in or trusted in! The me that has a purpose and a reason to live! I want that reason to be me, I want to be so loved and happy that every month when I’m reminded of the way out all I want to do is stay in! I want to stay in for me. I want to heal my trauma so I can walk in my happiness. I want to control my own thoughts and not have to worry. I want this today, but I can’t promise you that this thought won’t change tomorrow.

Fuck you, you stupid bitch. Go kill yourself. You are a worthless piece of shit. Walking on eggshells wondering what the trigger might be. Things seem to quiet I wonder when the explosion is coming. I think I feel safe enough to go to sleep. If I don’t cave in this behavior will change. I have to cave in because I am unable to regulate myself. Now I’m a pushover and no one will respect me. Now I have shown my weakness, and it will be used against me. Hey now that your calm lets work on some tools. We have been in therapy for 3/4 of their life. Let’s try medication, it might take 15-20 before we find the right one. Oh, wait this type of therapy should help. Play therapy, OT, PT, Trauma, one-on-one, family therapy, social skills groups. Wait you have a lot of energy let’s put you in something how about parkour, or soccer, or flag football, or basketball, t-ball, baseball, football, swimming. Oh, wait you love music. Let’s try drums, piano, playing in a band. Oh, you don’t like those things? But this is what everyone says you need. I am running out of options and I’m still getting more and more questions. This behavior must be coming from home. We can’t help him here, but this is or 7th elementary school. Wait you don’t have a new resource. I might lose my job, even my employer thinks I should send him away. That this behavior is a choice. You’re starting to believe what people are saying because you have tried everything but are still walking backwards. Depression kicks in after feeling isolated, we need to go to impatient, that one didn’t work let’s hope the next one will. Everyone sees something different; everyone has their own story to go along with a boy who has yet to be able to create his own. But wait there is one person still in his corner fighting for him. That person feels alone, and worthless. She is failing as a mother because no matter what she tries it’s never the answer. It feels like I’m walking backwards in a race. The boy is getting older there have been small moments of fear and like I might not be able to help him become who he so wants to be. But he only has me, he only wants to be with me. I am his safety net his safe place. But I can’t go everywhere he goes. More opinions flow in but the support does not follow. People begin to judge as the mother feels more and more alone. The moments of transition become harder and harder but without me he will be alone. I will always be alone. This is my life my responsibility and a small glimpse into the life of a mother to a beautiful boy who has autism, adhd, PTSD, Depression, Anxiety and me.